King’s X – the commandments of train travel

The sign says ‘Information’, the sign does not say ‘Come and yell at me because you couldn’t be bothered to get up early enough to get to the station in time to catch your train and it bothers you that you’ve paid £146 for a ticket that you now can’t use because of all the restrictions imposed by a carrier that we are not responsible for and no, I don’t have the number for them here, why don’t you look at your ticket or booking reference page, after you’ve stopped yelling at me, of course’.

No matter how much coffee you have at home, you will still buy a coffee at the station, because…well…just because.

The train platform will be put up 5 minutes before departure time. Everybody’s carriages will be six minutes away. There will always be mild cattle-like panic. The carriages are not a suitable thoroughfare for many people with large cases.

If you book your ticket in advance, chances are, no matter how empty the carriage is, you will be booked into some awkward seat right by the toilet and overcrammed baggage storage area.

There will be no trolley service when your carriage is a million miles away from the catering car. There will be a trolley service when you’ve been organised and gotten all your provisions before you boarded.

Someone will always be drinking cans of lager at 10 in the morning. That person will always be sitting opposite you. That person will want to engage you in talks about football. That person will ignore the fact that you are staring intently into your computer screen.

No matter how many books you have packed for your travel, you will buy a magazine in WHSmiths.

Small children always get underfoot. Small children always get underfoot of people who don’t like small children. Small children smell fear and loathing, like dogs. Parents of small children generally don’t give a shit what their demon seed are up to, and see these moments when the little bastards are bothering other childless people as a moment’s peace for themselves.

Children like to scream for no reason. It is acceptable for children to scream for no reason. It is not acceptable for adults to scream for no reason.

No, I do not want to read your copy of the Sun. Yes I know there are tits on Page 3. No, I still don’t want to read your copy of the Sun.

Headphones are inadequate protection from an invasion of personal space and quiet time.

The speed of time is directly proportional to the availability of on board broadband.

You will almost always have to go searching for your ticket when the ticket inspectors come along, no matter how carefully you stashed them for exactly this moment. You never pay attention to where you put your ticket at the time of stashing. Hence the mad rifling through everything while the lovely, patient man stands there…

Profuse apologising and nervous giggling never makes it any better.

Your tickets are always the first place you looked when you started searching. You will spend a few minutes after the episode wondering how you didn’t see them the first time around.

There is a strange ‘table space politics’ that happens on trains. Try to play fair. Try not to mind if somebody’s jacket sleeve is creeping over your keyboard.

That attractive guy will only ever notice you when he’s getting off the train at a stop before yours. He will smile and say hello with palpable disappointment that his moment has passed. You will look away uninterested, but seriously chuffed that you still have pulling power.

The journey will always be just a bit too long until you’re in the pair of arms that you wish to be in. You will find ways of amusing yourself until then.